Monday, December 6, 2010

For the Psychiatrist I'm seeing in early December - "My Worst Day" (may be added to)

I'm in "..a sad, despairing mood that persists beyond two weeks and impairs a person’s performance at work, at school or in social relationships."

At work
Just lost a contract I had been working on for two weeks

At school
I haven't shown up for school in a month

In social relationships
People from work are planning a night out, a meet-up of knowlege workers is on, a Hacks/Hackers group plans an event in December. Yeah, sure, I'll be there. (Smile) I'm coming - see you there. Yeah, right. I'd rather jump off the Scarborough Bluffs it's closer and more fun.

My family calls me, never. About three months ago I decided to stop emailing. See if any came. Nope.

I told my room mate about not getting the job today, he tells me to throw out the left over chicken that gave me muscle soreness, up-set tummy and diarrhea last weekend (salmonella: Thanks Loblaws, CFIA); I do what they told me - and then have to listen to a 15 minute lecture about renovations and what a chumps game it is, and how no one gives advances any more - people don't have faith like that any more - Bla, bla, bla, and on and on about woodcraft skill this and renovation that - that I have a life times experience in and they have none.

In 15 minutes he describes 5 reasons why my life is shit, my passion sucks and the client was correct not to choose me.

Holy fuck.

And I know that everyone I dare to talk to this about is going to spew the same self serving, know-it-all except they know shit Home Depot - You can do it! - bull shit (No you can't - and if you do it will suck and then you'll have to hire someone who does - that is if you happen to have the aesthetic sense to see the job you did looks like crap).

Next time world, when someone comes to you with a sad story, how about; 'Sorry to hear that', 'You really put a lot of work into that', 'You'll get the next one.' 'Can I take you out for a coffee?'

You know, something Human.

Not a fucking chance in my social network.

God this sucks.

Every day is a battle to get up with the sun and feel like writing something. I'm starting to hate My G-mail inbox, it stares at be with it's lifeless eyes enticing me to connect to a world I'd rather piss on. Should I take a nap now and risk sleeping too long and end up awake all night so more of this feeling in the pit of my stomach, that it isn't really worth it, will close in and press out my will to take another breath?

This sounds like such self-centred bullshit as I try to describe this state. That's what it comes down to though - it's not worth the struggle.

But I do.

Just did.


No comments:

Post a Comment