Monday, December 12, 2011

I hate this...

Today is a cold, dark day in my head.

There is a sense of foreboding in every moment. Every senory intake has an aura around it - with-in it - that threatens to swallow me whole. A walk down the street is normal except for the knowledge I own that I'm on the edge; and it scares the hell out me.

I'm older than I used to be, and at these times I cling to the knowledge that it will pass. I can remember feelings that weren't like this. I know there are tools I can empoly that will get me through.

Like writing it out.

Like this.

I know the full moon causes emotions to become extreme: a little sadness becomes a hole to centre of the earth, annoying everything can become a cancerous rage.

I keep it all in check; not too much up - not too much down. I'm my own chemical therapy pharmacy.

I can do this with out the drugs because of every minute of every day of every year I am aware of my condition.

The drugs are replaced with walks and bike rides, cooking for myself every day, writing, abstinence from uppers and downers with long periods (that's my one out; I can do coffee with sugar and cigarettes), regular visits to health professionals (conversation with a mental health expert is an amazing thing), the volunteering. All these together keep this ship on the ocean; it's all towards times like this.

Like this. 

I hate this.


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